Dear Callista

We are months away from my last letter to you and yet no closer to a resolution on your purpose in the 'Pie'. This does not bode well for you, darlin'.

Your only function in the story seems to be to introduce the reader to the world of the undead, which frankly m'dear, Leo does a much better job of.

So.

Much as I love your name and that scene in the bathroom at the bar and Leo digging you up and all that.... I just don't see as how we can keep you.

Oh, right: Sorry.

Strangely disappointed,
-Writer Lady

Dear Callista

So. After many hours of thinking, imagining, studying Miss Snark and failing to work you into a hook for Vampire Pie, I have finally figured out what your problem is.

You have no conflict.

"Trying to figure out what's going on" definitely doesn't cut it. No stakes and not interesting anyway.

Certainly, you get yourself into trouble later on, but you need to have something going on right off the bat (er, so to speak), or we are sunk. Well, you are sunk. That is to say, out on yer kiester, toots.

But I like you. So I shall think on it.

Contempletively,
-Writer Lady

Dear Magistrate and Inquisitor

OK, could one or the other of you please let me in on whether the Magistrate actually gets to see anything or not?? It's a wee bit crucial.

I mean, either the Magistrate sees what's in Mette's head in real time and the Inquisitor keeps some things from him, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, it means he's relying on what the Inquisitor tells him, which I have this feeling he wouldn't do.

This has big implications, people! Either the Throne and the Temple are working together, or they're not. Either the Inquisitor is one powerful, bad-ass bitch, or she's nothing but a liar.

Help me out here, boys 'n' girls, or things is gonna git ugly.

Fess up,
-WL

Dear Sigrun, Han woman with Red Sash and Assorted Other Hangers-On,

All y'all are very interesting. None o' y'all are actually in the outline.

Your little side show is tempting, I'll admit. But I am not going off on a wild goose chase that gets Mette stuck at the bottom of some big-ass plot hole without knowing how the bloody hell to get her out of it.

Besides. I want to meet the Magistrate. If you kidnap our girl, I don't see that happening. Instead, why don't you lovely ladies go do something uselful. Help Eirik or something.

'Course that means changing POV. And I said I wasn't gonna do that.

Rats. Rats, rats, rats.

Miffed,
-WL

Dear Sigrun,

Just where are you headed with this conversation, anyway?

I mean, I get it, OK - you and the Inquisitor are NOT the same person. Great. Cool. Freakin' fabulous and all that.

But here's the deal: I am the Bitch In Charge. And if you don't ante up and start letting me in on your actual purpose to the story, this whole dealio is getting highlighted and scheduled for the Executioner in December.

Clear enough for ya, dearie?
-WL

Dear Sigrun,

I don't know what you think you're doing showing up dressed like that and giving Mette ideas, but you can knock it the bloody hell off.

I can kill you. Remember that.

-WL

Dear Mette

Don't.

I'm serious. You take off with my carefully planned plot and head for East Bumfuck -- I will make you suffer.

Don't think I won't.

-WL

Dear Eirik’s Dad

So sorry you don’t have a name and probably aren’t going to get one. You’re really awesome. And I’m really sorry that you get executed. Especially like that. It’s really painful, I’m told.

But hey, on the bright side, you’re going to be a martyr!

Go you!
-WL

p.s. No, your name can’t be Luther. The Vikings didn’t have that name. I checked.

p.p.s. Didn’t I just get through telling you that you don’t get a name??!? Shit.

Dear cute little lamb that just went through the hole in the world

Stop being cute. Stop ‘shaking yourself’ and get on with getting caught by Eirik.

Thank you.
-WL

Dear Dorothy

What the CRAP were you doing in my hot tub?!?

Dear Dorothy

Please help. There's all this junk at the end of the plot outline. It's part of the story. That much I know. What I don't know is if it's part of THIS story.

I really want this thing to end, ya know? As in, have an ending. Sure, it can be a cliffhanger ending and the rest of the junk that doesn't fit into this plot can go into the next one.

But I need some clues. Like soon.

Do we break it off with the kids escaping up the fjord? Do we break it off with them walking into the Temple? Do we go all the way to the Bramble Valley? What all do the kids come across? The Nuckalavee? A bailak or three? Iron ore (would they even know that if they saw it?

I suppose we could just leave it as is and if we get to the fjord and we're short on the word count we keep going.

Which is exactly what I just said I didn't want to do.

You bitch. Thanks for nothing.
-WL

Dear Eirik

The Fjord is haunted? Haunted. As in ghosts and stuff.

Are you serious? I mean, really. Who the hell haunts a fjord?

You are clearly high on something. Please come down here and explain this coherently.

Waiting and none too patiently,
-WL

Dear Eirik, Mette and the rest of you galley slaves

First, welcome aboard! This year's adventure is going to be loads of fun, I promise! All you have to do is cooperate.

Now, a note to all of you: you will listen. Each and every one of you, whether you have a speaking role or not. You will pay attention to the outline and you will each do what I tell you. Understood?

Individual notes:

Eirik,
You're cute and you're crazy. I love you already. No, I still haven't decided about whether or not you get any POV chapters in this thing. I wasn't planning on it, I can tell you that. But you have a point and I have no idea how we're going to do that Temple blessing scene if we're not in your head. Mette can't really, um, watch that...

I'll get back to you.
-Writer Lady

Mette,
Not to pressure you too much, honey, but you are IT. We're seeing most of this through your eyes, so keep 'em sharp, OK?

Now - why are you and Eirik running around that other Temple? The one in the middle of nowhere? I have this very strong feeling that y'all end up there, but I can't figure out why. Just happening by it on the way to the Bramble Valley doesn't seem quite right. Although it is on the way, isn't it...

Gat any hints for me, dearie??

Affectionately,
-WL

Dear Lars, Fenn, Ping, Master Tong, ... well, shit, EVERYONE

Thanks. This chapter is now Totally Fucked. I have no idea what to do with it or where the hell it's going.

Thanks a lot.

Wicked pissy,
-WL

Dear Lars

This is turning out to be quite the humorous chapter. Knock it off. It's not supposed to be.

(I mean, really, why do you think I'm listening to NIN??!?)

Gettin' mighty testy,
-WL

Dear Ping

You're cute and everything, but I'm pretty sure I told you to get lost.

Why won't you leave?

Perplexed,
-WL

Dear Fenn

Please stop being so goddamn happy. You're supposed to be brooding. Teasing Lars is not brooding. Get with the program please and stop enjoying yourself.

Too tired for this kind of crap from you,
-WL

Dear Ping

Sorry buddy, but you're useless. Get lost.

Sayonara (I'd say it Chinese, but can't remember how. Get over it.),
-WL

Dear Nine Inch Nails

Fuck. I should have been plugged into y'all ages ago.

Cranking it as loud as I can get away with,
-WL

Dear Dorothy

A truck, huh? In the middle of the Deep Desert, huh? And a couple of hapless Chinese dudes who have no idea what just happened, huh?

Well, OK, if you say so... At least now I know WHY Wen-Shu is headed into the middle of frikkin' nowhere...

But we really need to talk, you know, you and I. You're showing up in the weirdest places these days. I know I'm not spending near the amount of time in my car that I used to, and I know that's your favorite place to hang, but it was more than a little eerie to find you perched on the toilet seat when I got out of the shower this morning. Really, really eerie.

But hey, whatever works, right?

Thanks for the tip, Dot,

-WL