Dear Callista

So. After many hours of thinking, imagining, studying Miss Snark and failing to work you into a hook for Vampire Pie, I have finally figured out what your problem is.

You have no conflict.

"Trying to figure out what's going on" definitely doesn't cut it. No stakes and not interesting anyway.

Certainly, you get yourself into trouble later on, but you need to have something going on right off the bat (er, so to speak), or we are sunk. Well, you are sunk. That is to say, out on yer kiester, toots.

But I like you. So I shall think on it.

Contempletively,
-Writer Lady

Dear Magistrate and Inquisitor

OK, could one or the other of you please let me in on whether the Magistrate actually gets to see anything or not?? It's a wee bit crucial.

I mean, either the Magistrate sees what's in Mette's head in real time and the Inquisitor keeps some things from him, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, it means he's relying on what the Inquisitor tells him, which I have this feeling he wouldn't do.

This has big implications, people! Either the Throne and the Temple are working together, or they're not. Either the Inquisitor is one powerful, bad-ass bitch, or she's nothing but a liar.

Help me out here, boys 'n' girls, or things is gonna git ugly.

Fess up,
-WL

Dear Sigrun, Han woman with Red Sash and Assorted Other Hangers-On,

All y'all are very interesting. None o' y'all are actually in the outline.

Your little side show is tempting, I'll admit. But I am not going off on a wild goose chase that gets Mette stuck at the bottom of some big-ass plot hole without knowing how the bloody hell to get her out of it.

Besides. I want to meet the Magistrate. If you kidnap our girl, I don't see that happening. Instead, why don't you lovely ladies go do something uselful. Help Eirik or something.

'Course that means changing POV. And I said I wasn't gonna do that.

Rats. Rats, rats, rats.

Miffed,
-WL

Dear Sigrun,

Just where are you headed with this conversation, anyway?

I mean, I get it, OK - you and the Inquisitor are NOT the same person. Great. Cool. Freakin' fabulous and all that.

But here's the deal: I am the Bitch In Charge. And if you don't ante up and start letting me in on your actual purpose to the story, this whole dealio is getting highlighted and scheduled for the Executioner in December.

Clear enough for ya, dearie?
-WL

Dear Sigrun,

I don't know what you think you're doing showing up dressed like that and giving Mette ideas, but you can knock it the bloody hell off.

I can kill you. Remember that.

-WL

Dear Mette

Don't.

I'm serious. You take off with my carefully planned plot and head for East Bumfuck -- I will make you suffer.

Don't think I won't.

-WL

Dear Eirik’s Dad

So sorry you don’t have a name and probably aren’t going to get one. You’re really awesome. And I’m really sorry that you get executed. Especially like that. It’s really painful, I’m told.

But hey, on the bright side, you’re going to be a martyr!

Go you!
-WL

p.s. No, your name can’t be Luther. The Vikings didn’t have that name. I checked.

p.p.s. Didn’t I just get through telling you that you don’t get a name??!? Shit.

Dear cute little lamb that just went through the hole in the world

Stop being cute. Stop ‘shaking yourself’ and get on with getting caught by Eirik.

Thank you.
-WL

Dear Dorothy

What the CRAP were you doing in my hot tub?!?

Dear Dorothy

Please help. There's all this junk at the end of the plot outline. It's part of the story. That much I know. What I don't know is if it's part of THIS story.

I really want this thing to end, ya know? As in, have an ending. Sure, it can be a cliffhanger ending and the rest of the junk that doesn't fit into this plot can go into the next one.

But I need some clues. Like soon.

Do we break it off with the kids escaping up the fjord? Do we break it off with them walking into the Temple? Do we go all the way to the Bramble Valley? What all do the kids come across? The Nuckalavee? A bailak or three? Iron ore (would they even know that if they saw it?

I suppose we could just leave it as is and if we get to the fjord and we're short on the word count we keep going.

Which is exactly what I just said I didn't want to do.

You bitch. Thanks for nothing.
-WL

Dear Eirik

The Fjord is haunted? Haunted. As in ghosts and stuff.

Are you serious? I mean, really. Who the hell haunts a fjord?

You are clearly high on something. Please come down here and explain this coherently.

Waiting and none too patiently,
-WL

Dear Eirik, Mette and the rest of you galley slaves

First, welcome aboard! This year's adventure is going to be loads of fun, I promise! All you have to do is cooperate.

Now, a note to all of you: you will listen. Each and every one of you, whether you have a speaking role or not. You will pay attention to the outline and you will each do what I tell you. Understood?

Individual notes:

Eirik,
You're cute and you're crazy. I love you already. No, I still haven't decided about whether or not you get any POV chapters in this thing. I wasn't planning on it, I can tell you that. But you have a point and I have no idea how we're going to do that Temple blessing scene if we're not in your head. Mette can't really, um, watch that...

I'll get back to you.
-Writer Lady

Mette,
Not to pressure you too much, honey, but you are IT. We're seeing most of this through your eyes, so keep 'em sharp, OK?

Now - why are you and Eirik running around that other Temple? The one in the middle of nowhere? I have this very strong feeling that y'all end up there, but I can't figure out why. Just happening by it on the way to the Bramble Valley doesn't seem quite right. Although it is on the way, isn't it...

Gat any hints for me, dearie??

Affectionately,
-WL

Dear Lars, Fenn, Ping, Master Tong, ... well, shit, EVERYONE

Thanks. This chapter is now Totally Fucked. I have no idea what to do with it or where the hell it's going.

Thanks a lot.

Wicked pissy,
-WL

Dear Lars

This is turning out to be quite the humorous chapter. Knock it off. It's not supposed to be.

(I mean, really, why do you think I'm listening to NIN??!?)

Gettin' mighty testy,
-WL

Dear Ping

You're cute and everything, but I'm pretty sure I told you to get lost.

Why won't you leave?

Perplexed,
-WL

Dear Fenn

Please stop being so goddamn happy. You're supposed to be brooding. Teasing Lars is not brooding. Get with the program please and stop enjoying yourself.

Too tired for this kind of crap from you,
-WL

Dear Ping

Sorry buddy, but you're useless. Get lost.

Sayonara (I'd say it Chinese, but can't remember how. Get over it.),
-WL

Dear Nine Inch Nails

Fuck. I should have been plugged into y'all ages ago.

Cranking it as loud as I can get away with,
-WL

Dear Dorothy

A truck, huh? In the middle of the Deep Desert, huh? And a couple of hapless Chinese dudes who have no idea what just happened, huh?

Well, OK, if you say so... At least now I know WHY Wen-Shu is headed into the middle of frikkin' nowhere...

But we really need to talk, you know, you and I. You're showing up in the weirdest places these days. I know I'm not spending near the amount of time in my car that I used to, and I know that's your favorite place to hang, but it was more than a little eerie to find you perched on the toilet seat when I got out of the shower this morning. Really, really eerie.

But hey, whatever works, right?

Thanks for the tip, Dot,

-WL

Dear Lars and Fenn

Hi boys. We seem to be here again. Up against a deadline and dead in the water, so I'll assume you know why we're here.

Let's get your shit together. Like now.

Thx,
-WL

Dear Luci

Same goes for you, toots.

-WL

Dear Arcangelo Corelli

Thank you for finding Dorothy.

Ever in your debt,
-WL

Dear Dorothy

Thanks for showing up. Better late than never.

-WL

Dear Lars (and/or Fenn)

Help me out here.

I'm really not liking the Fenn-viewed-through-Lars'-head aspect of this chapter. It's not interesting unless something happens to the person whose head we are in. Lars, buddy, that would be you.

So what's the point of this chapter?

1) To show how close to the edge Fenn really is (that's why he loses it in the Harbormaster's office).

2) To lay some of the Han rebellion groundwork/backstory.

3) To get the landing party from the Wren on their way up the hill to the Keep.

My question, gentlemen, is this: What the flying fuck does any of this have to do with Lars??

Pulling my freaking hair out,
-Writer Lady

Dear Lars

Get your arse off the Wren and into the Harbormaster's office so we can get this party started. Like, now.

Thx,
-WL

Dear Dorothy

OK, I see. Part of the problem with Luci is lack of backstory. (Why do I always have an easy time with backstory for the boys? Why are the girls always such a damn pain in my ass?).

Right. Luci. Backstory. Gat it.

Thanks (and why did you wait until the middle of a sea shanty to tell me that, anyway? That was downright weird.),

-WL

Dear Dorothy

You bitch.

You could have told me this thing about Luci months ago and saved me hours and days and weeks of staring at that blasted chapter - the one that goes nowhere, since (duh) it's supposed to stay right where it is - wondering what the bloody, blasted hell to do with it.

Do you really need to keep this shit to yourself for quite so long?

Really. Quite. Pissy.
-WL

Dear Dorothy

I'm very worried about the info dump in the second half of the Prologue.

Really.

I'm starting to feel like I'm trying to cram a mountain of information into a molehill. Like I'm trying to tell the whole damn story in the space of 500 words. Which, of course, ain't even gonna happen.

Is it necessary to the tale?

Well, of course, it's "necessary". I'm just not sure it's necessary right exactly there.

Shit. I don't know what to do.

'Fraid of Failing,
-WL

To the Makers of the Sample Prenatal Vitamins

You gave samples to my doctor to give to me in the hope - I assume - that I would buy your product. I thank you for this, since prenatal vitamins, even the Walmart brand, are expensive.

However, you have a problem with your packaging.

Yes, I would be referring to that handy-dandy, child-proof blister-pack junk you have sealed each and every pill into.

I'm busy. I have a job. I have an hour's commute to the job. I have a four-year-old. I have a house. I have piles upon piles of laundy. My kitchen is a wreck.

In other words, I do not have time to go find a pair of scissors or The Husband every time I remember to take one of your pills. And it seems to me that it rather defeats the purpose of the pills to make them so inaccessible. I mean, I'm doing really well when I remember to take them at all. Please don't make it so hard on me that the incentive of the pill's freeness is negated.

Thank you,
-Pregnant Writer Lady

Dear Udam

Now you're talking too much. Please quit it.

Thx,
-WL

Dear Wren

I am, as usual, deeply, deeply indebted to you, sweet ship. Thank you for rescuing my chapter so neatly.

Yours with much love,
-Writer Lady

Dear Udam

Wow! Thanks for taking charge, man. You're my official hero for the day!

My gratitude,
-WL

Dear Lars and Fenn (again...)

That POV thing? Forget it. Suck it up. Ain't gonna happen.

Y'all are galley slaves. Y'all are gonna row now.

Thank you very much for your kind attention to this matter,
-WL

Dear Lars, Fenn and Udam

OK, this puts a major twist in my knickers, boys.

But I hear ya. I don't much like it, but I hear ya.

Even so, a major POV change doesn't belong in the middle of my chapter. I'm just not sure how I'm going to justify that.

One chapter, one POV. That's how I like things. Keeps things neat and orderly.

And I was REALLY wanting to keep Fenn's POV 'til last. No, of course, I don't know why!! What a stupid question... I just wanted the reader to see him from everyone else's POV first. Then we'll get into his head.

I don't know why, really. I just want it that way. I guess I'm thinking that's going to put a twist on things - keep the reader guessing about whether he's a good guy or a bad guy.

However.

There are an awful lot of things that are just going to be a major pain in the ASS to show from inside Lars' head. Withdrawal symptoms. Guilt. How and why Fenn changes his mind.

Shit.

Off to untwist the knickers,
-WL

Dear Lars and Fenn

(and Udam too, if you have anything to do with this)

Guys! Thanks for finally boarding the Wren. That's nice. Now we're there. Now what?

I mean, I KNOW what. In fact, the end is written. It's this bit in the middle I'm having trouble with, see?

We go from Fenn on the main deck, scowling and distant and no mantala, to Fenn on the wheel deck, not scowling, less distant and where did that mantala come from?

I'm also not sure how we get Fenn to hear the Wren. But he has to. That's the turning point, see? Does he fall? (I have this vague vision of him on his hands and knees and it would be like the Wren to throw him....) Does he touch her accidentally? (A hand on a railing? The wheel?)

And, for the the love of Mike, where did that mantala come from?

Lars, help me out here, will ya?

Nearing the end, but not near enough,
-WL

Dear Lars and Fenn

Boys. Please. That's enough with the aimless conversation.

Row the dinghy. Board the ship.

That's all you have to do, why is it so hard?

A pox on both of you, if somebody doesn't start rowing real quick-like,
-WL

Dear Me

Quit dithering. Sit your ass down and write that chapter.

No, really. I mean it.

Think about it this way, honey. When you're 50, you are not going to be too happy with yourself for sitting here putting it off. You are not going to like the excuses you came up with. Trust me.

So fucking what if it's not perfect. So fucking what if it's "hard" (no one said it would be easy). So fucking what if you get done with it and it sucks shit and no one wants to read it. Who are you writing this for anyway? No one but you in the first place, so pack up Pamela the Inner Editor and send her off to Hawaii for the rest of the week and GET IT DONE.

Much love,
-Me

Dot

Another issue: how to work in the Lars plotline with the existing one. Oy.

-WL

So. Dorothy.

This idea you mentioned in the car on the way home today... the one about Lars? Yeah, that one. Um, complicated, but really interesting idea... Might get ol' Lars in a heap of trouble. Which would SO serve his ass right for complicating Novel #1 so incredibly much.

I like it. I think.

But I really want to consider it carefully before going whole hog on it, ya know. I mean, if I get half way through the story and ol' Lars-y boy has nothing more to do.... well, that wouldn't be so spiffy....

The thing is this: Do we really NEED to know what's going on back home at all? I mean, yes, as backstory/history for Novel #1, certainly. But would it really make much sense to tell it like this - i.e., so explicitly? From my own standpoint, sure, I'd love to put Lars into some danger and see what gives and the whole roots of Fenn's drug addition thing is just tingly-good... It's just the order of it, I guess, that worries me...

So that's one thing to consider: should it be written as a prequel (where Novel #1 (or perhaps series #1) should be read first, then this story). Or should I write it as the first part of the story, INTENDING it to be read first? Hmmmm.... I think I'm inclined to go with the former. Not sure why. Just appeals to me. Feels right....

The other thing that appeals to me about it is that it gets me out of having "more" characters, know what I mean? I mean, yes, being inside the head of the bad guy is interesting, but I'm not sure I'm there yet...

I mean, look what happened with Aiden. We don't hate him. We pity him. That wasn't really the plan...

If I want to go the inside-the-mind-of-the-villian route, I guess I need to get that Greg Keyes book and psycho-analyze the crap out of it. 'Cuz otherwise, I'll probably end up with another Aiden - or worse, another Maribel! They were both supposed to be the bad guy/girl who took the fall and look what happened with HER... yeesch.

I really couldn't stand that happening to Reygin... I mean, I think it would be enough to understand his motivation - maybe through some kind of confession or discovery of a journal or conversation overheard or something (ya gettin' all this Lars?). But the inside of the man's head is probably a can o' worms, yeah?

Oh.

And if I'm using Lars for this.... Luci ought to show up. Heck, she wanted to show up anyway and I told her to fuck off. (You see how they are? Never, never name a character with a name that starts with "L". Never.)

Very interesting. Lars is loyal, so I can actually see him going to extremes if Fenn were to ask him to "watch over things" while he was gone. And given some dislike for Uncle Reygin (I hate that name still) and a pinch of rumor that Reygin is lying about something....

Yeah, it just might work. It just might

Thanks, Dottie... Glad we had this little chat...
-WL

Dear Universe

I just found out about Dave (the real one) and YOU. SUCK.

Why? Why HIM? Of all the fucking people on this planet.

F-F-F-F-FUCK.

That's what I think of that.

Pissed,
-b

Dear Writer Lady

The body: Maybe it wasn't meant to be discovered at all. But someone changed their mind.

-Anonymous

Dear Cate and Robert

Get out of the goddamn bar, into the hotel room and GET IT ON. The rest of the story pretty much hinges on this event so let's quit stalling and get to it.

cripes,
-WL

Dear Robert

What is your last name? And don't tell me "Wyvern" again. That's not French. Your dad is French, you have to have a French last name.

C'mon already,
-WL

Dear June

What is your husband's name? It's sort of stupid for me to keep calling him "June's husband" even in the outline. It's become annoying.

Thanks,
-WL

Guys

Who's Stewart? "Jerry's friend" isn't very helpful.

???,
-WL

Robert

OK. So they had to match the stained glass windows in the Lady Isle Chapel. Fine.

Mind telling me why?

I'd appreciate some clue - any clue - because at the moment, I'm as confused as Cate is. And that's not good. I'm supposed to know what's going on. And I don't. As usual.

-WL

Note to self: Try to determine whether there ARE any stained glass windows in the Lady Isle Chapel...

Dear Robert

What's with the tattoos? One of the dragons is supposed to be green - not red, green.

Get with the program, buddy.

-WL

Dear Dorothy

Where the hell have you got to lately?? You're not in the house, not that that's anything unusual. But you're not in the car either these days and that's a little weird, frankly.

I mean, OK, great, you showed up out of the blue last week with a brand new idea I didn't need for a short story I don't have time to write. Fabulous. But then you went POOF! again. Are you mad because I said 'no, not right now, thanks'?? I mean, I did make some notes.

Come back. Pretty please. With sugar on top??

-WL

Dear Vampires

I'm sorry, but I've ended up hating you all. Every last one of one, even you, Leo. I'm not sure why exactly, but I'm not sure I care enough anymore to make this Thing into Something.

It's a shame, I know, and I'm sure you are all disappointed. But I think I'm going to give up on you for now.

Sorry. Really.

-WL

McKendrick

You and your names, I swear. Bertram will be just fine - everyone can call you Bert for short. Bert McKendrick - great ring to it, don't you think?

Bartholomew or Borthwick or whatever it was that you came up with this morning while I was still half asleep and thankfully can't remember? One word: No.

Deal with it,
-Writer Lady

Beloved Chick Lit Cast & Crew

Ho! Sorry guys - really, I am - but sign-ups start next week for NaNoEdMo and I really need to get my ass back on that vampire thing. I was considering not doing it and then I read some parts and ... well... I didn't hate it. So that whole gig is back on.

Don't worry. Once I'm done with that, maybe I'll feel the same way about you guys.

No hard feelings, 'k?
-WL

Dear Writer Lady

Hey! What's up with abandoning us right in the middle of the first draft??!!?? We were getting someplace, we were!

Hurt and confused,
Cast & crew of that chick lit thing

Dear Writer Lady

This bar scene - you're making it way too complicated. I don't need to get mad - just drunk. The blond can buy me the first one, nature and alcohol will take care of the rest. Quit over-thinking it.

Get on with it already,
-David

p.s. - I'll wink if I want. Whit doesn't scare me. Besides that's an empty threat and you know it.

Dear David

Why do you end up mad at her and going home with that bimbo? Some help here. Please.

-WL

Dear David

That's twice in one chapter, buddy, and I swear to god if you wink at Cammy again, I'm going to turn Whit into a psychopath and have him kill you just to make you stop.

And that would be a damn shame, wouldn't it, since you're supposed to end up with the girl at the end and that'll be kinda difficult if you're dead. Dumbass.

Watch yourself, 'cuz I'm watching you,

-Writer Lady

Dear Cast and Crew of this ... Thing

I write sci-fi/fantasy. Not chick lit and definitely not romance. So somebody had better show up waving a sword (in earnest), riding a magical creature, walking around after they're supposed to be dead or something, because otherwise.... well, I just don't fucking know. Except that I don't write this chick lit shit. So knock it off, all o' yuz.

Peeved,

-Writer Lady