To everyone

First, thank you for the wild ride. It was magical.

Also, thank you all for your little (and not so little) contributions to the plot, even if it did make mincemeat of the original outline.

Yours ever,
--Writer Lady

Emrys,
I can’t believe I wrote damn near 66,000 words about you and still have no idea what color your eyes are. Not that it matters, but good grief.
--WL

Leo,
Don’t tell the others, but you are, by far, my favorite character – in spite of your many hijackings (or perhaps, because of them). And while I do know that your eyes are brown, it’d also be kinda nifty to know what color your skin is. At least, come rewrite time, yeah?
--WL

Callista,
Your personality is still a mystery to me. I think I’m seeing bits of feistiness here and there, but I’m still not sure where it’s coming from. Probably that’s because we never had time to develop your back story. Sorry ‘bout that – we’ll get there.
--WL

Maribel,
You are SUCH a bitch. What do you think you’re doing in Miami and how did you manage to get away in the first place? You are SO dead next time. (And I am so not helping you pick out a name for her. Yeesh!)
--WL

Al,
It’s been real. Real weird. You were Maribel’s idea, so I’m glad that at least YOU got killed like you were supposed to. And I’m not the least bit sorry about the pink, fuzzy slippers. You deserved them for butting into this story in the first place.
--WL

Donovan & Lindsay,
You were fun. Sorry you got killed. Sorry it was Leo and Callista who off-ed you (I would have warned you, but I didn’t see that one coming at all).
--WL

Jack,
Welcome to the neighborhood! I hope you enjoy being Emrys’ new General Manager – comes with a bunch of perks, you’ll like it – though I’m not quite sure how we’re going to work out those logistical problems with you surviving the night in Boston. You’ll go POOF! if the sun hits you and I don’t care who you think you know, you’re not going to be buying a car anywhere at 6 o’clock in the morning. Don’t worry, we’ll work it out.
--WL

Josée,
You were just all-around great. Sorry Maribel had to happen to you. Perhaps you shall rise.... We’ll see.
--WL

Dear Cast, Crew, Groupies and Assorted Hangers-On (Al, that would be you)

As most of you are aware, we are coming to the End of the Story.

That means it’s time to be wrapping things up.

That means no one – and I mean no one (Leo, listen up, I’m talking to you) – comes up with anything new. That means: No new plot twists. No sudden and inexplicable appearances of long lost lovers, cousins, uncles, siblings and/or other relatives. No miraculous escapes, if you are scheduled to die. No tragic and unexpected deaths, if you are scheduled to live. And most definitely, no sudden revelations that change everything already written.

Basically, anything that would make the story go on and on ad infinitum is OFF LIMITS.

Everybody gat that? Good.

No, there will not be a sequel. Please stop asking. Maribel, especially (and you can stop dropping hints about surviving, honey, you don’t).

Incredibly bloody sick of every last one of you,
-Writer Lady

Callista

Well. You’re awfully resourceful all of a sudden. Who knew you had the balls to lie to a cop? Shit - who knew you had balls?

Wait, wait. Is that your personality finally shining through?!

Huh.

Fine time to let me in on that.

Better late than never, I guess,
-Writer Lady

Leo

Dude. Are you black or white or both? I don’t care. I just want to know.

As confused with you as usual,
-Writer Lady

Writer Lady

Please – take off the frikkin’ apron, get back in here on your butt and FINISH THE DAMN STORY. You’re not the only one who’s impatient, you know.

Mucho smoochos,
-The Cast

Donovan

Jack is going to call you ‘Donny’ behind your back whether you like it or not. Get over it.
Very little sympathy,
-Writer Lady

ps – Could you possibly do something other than ‘crow’ every time you open your damn mouth? It was cute at first. It’s getting old.

Lindsay

Get your scaly mitts off Leo. He’s not for you.
Slut,
-Writer Lady

Leo

You’re already on my shit list, why are you letting Lindsay hit on you? You don’t even like her and it’s upsetting your assigned love interest.
Pay attention already,
-Writer Lady

Leo

I make Emrys let you drive the TT and THIS is how you repay me??

Leaving aside the fact that nobody told you to get pulled over in the first place, you don’t have a driver’s license. Great. Thanks. How am I supposed to get you out of this mess??

Running out of chocolate and patience with you,
-Writer Lady

Dear old-homeless-lady-sitting-on-the-park-bench-next-to-Maribel

I'm sorry. You’re about to get it. Really, I am sorry, because you’ve been quite entertaining.

I’m also sorry Maribel can’t understand you better, but you know, she’s pretty stubborn when it comes to claiming she can’t speak a word of French and it’s been fun irritating the piss out of her with your ‘franglais’.

Oh, sorry about the BO, but it was all part of that ‘show don’t tell’ crapola us aspiring author-types feel compelled to practice.

Better luck in your next incarnation,
-Writer Lady

ps – I’m sorry, but I couldn’t care less if you ever come up with a name. See, ‘the old homeless lady’ has way more words than any name you could come up with, so don’t bother. At least not until editing time.

pps - Oh, yes, and many thanks for imparting your wisdom to our girl. That moved the story along nicely.

Leo

*Writer Lady consults outline, purses lips and glares over spectacles at character currently on screen*

What - the fuck - do you think you’re doing? I just checked the outline to see where the hell this chapter is supposed to be going and guess what: You do not HAVE a chapter right here. I am not supposed to be writing about you AT ALL right now.

Yeah, OK – the sentimental memories about Tameka and your little boy are good backstory (not to mention good word count) and the whole waking up thing was really sweet. BUT. We were supposed to fast forward six weeks at this point to Maribel’s little urine test.

In other words, I’m supposed to be bitching about Maribel. Not you.

Still trying to figure out how this happened you sneaky bastard,
-Writer Lady

Callista

Would you PLEASE stop following Leo around Emrys’ house?!? Good grief, girl, get yourself some initiative and GO EXPLORING. Emrys is not home and you’re not going to run into him, I promise.

The library would be a really good place to start (hint, hint).

Getting mighty impatient,
-Writer Lady

Leo

You're stalling.

I know you're just trying to protect her, and make her feel better and all that. It's sweet and everything, it is - but it ain't gonna do any good.

So quit getting all poetic and Pollyanna on me and get that girl's ass into Emrys' house so she can steal the blasted book already! 'Cuz if you don't, guess what. It's still going to be there when Maribel comes for it and We. Don't. Want. That. That would definitely make things go badly for you. Well, worsely for you.

Get going already,
-Writer Lady

Maribel

You're serious. A muskrat? An actual fucking muskrat. The fuck does a muskrat look like?

Y'see? There you go again. Now I'm going to have to do research. Brilliant. Thanks.

You are so dead at the end of this,
-Writer Lady

Callista

Are you serious, girl? Leo reminds you of your father?

Yuck.

Not happy with that,
-Writer Lady

McKendrick

You are walking a thin line, buddy. Make sure you stay on the right side of it. Comical is one thing, upstaging Emrys is another, entirely.

Still watching you,
-Writer Lady

Emrys and McKendrick

Enough with the frikkin’ hedgehogs already.

Gritting my teeth to finish this frikkin’ chapter,
-Writer Lady

Officer McKendrick

STAY IN YOUR OWN JURISDICTION, ASSHOLE.

You're a walk on. Enough with the delusions of grandeur.

However, if you entertain me enough this time, I might bring you back as a semi-sane vampire hunter next year. Might. Suppose it's the least I can do, since Emrys is about to seriously fuck with your head.

Watching you, so watch yourself,
-Writer Lady

Emrys

You’re a dumbass for getting pulled over, but it’s great for the word count. (So great, I may let you sleep with Maribel again. Just be careful, she may have ulterior motives.)

Oh, and sorry about the FJ, baby, but you had no choice. They had you at the scene. Don’t worry, you can always buy another one.

Grateful darling,
-Writer Lady

Dear ‘tall, portly officer’

Name. Now. (No, it cannot be ‘MacDonald’. That’s giving me visions of french fries that don’t belong in my novel.)

Waiting,
-Writer Lady

Dear Writer Lady

*waves piece of paper and a pen*

At least take some notes, yeah?

Yours,
Dorothy

Dear Dorothy

Knock. It. Off.

You MAY NOT use any part of my brain to rewrite scene 1. Not yet.

Annoyed,
Writer Lady

Leo

First – you’re doing great, darlin’. So great that, if you keep it up, I may in fact make Emrys let you drive the TT.

OK, on to business: The gathering scene. I’ve been seeing it for days and now I’m writing it. You’re rambling. (That’s great, by the way, the word count genie loves it and, even better, it’s actually in the damn outline for once.)

Now, what’s this about a ‘feast’?

That is not in the outline. I’ll admit, it’s been loitering in my head, but I didn’t dare put it in there because I couldn’t figure it out. I’ve been poking at it from all directions – I even asked the eminently unhelpful Dorothy – and I still don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

If you’re feasting, it has to be blood, right? So where is there a lot of blood.... OH SHIT, YOU’RE KIDDING ME! Duh. I’m an idiot.

The TT? It’s yours, baby.

Humbled,
Writer Lady

Dear Writer Lady

Listen up, bitch…

Oh, what?? You don’t like that?? Yeah, name calling. Doesn’t feel good, does it? Maybe if you didn’t call me that quite so much, I’d be a bit more cooperative. Maybe.

Now. Let’s get this party with Emrys started. I can’t wait to kick his ass. What?!? Sex? I don’t want t… Well, OK, let’s get to the sex, then, shall we?

In fact, that gives me a great idea about how to get the thing the Vamp wants (and yes, his name is ‘the Vamp’. You might as well give up trying to change it. Not. Going. To Happen.)

No, of course, none of that’s in your “outline”! Why are you so attached to that damn thing anyway?

Yours,
-Maribel

ps - And that comment about being a galley slave? Dream on, honey.

Maribel

Would you PLEASE stop looking out that goddamn window and TURN AROUND?

Duh! He’s been standing there watching you for ten frikkin’ minutes, while you got all nostalgic and angsty. Stupid bitch. Act surprised when you see him.

Can’t WAIT to kill your ass off,
-WL

Dear Writer Lady

I can’t believe it took you this long to figure out I was a double-agent. (You’re not very smart sometimes, you know that.)

And would you quit freakin’ out about the shovel thing already? It’s not like it hurt her or anything.

Love ya toots,
-Leo

ps – I wanna drive the TT. Make Emrys let me. Or I’ll steal it. And I bet that would mess with your “outline”.

Mirabel

I hate you. I HATE YOU!!

I can NOT fucking believe what I just typed. You are making me put that stupid, campy, dumbass – fucking caped, fercrissake - vampire in my story just to save your own skin (which is STILL not going to happen, by the way).

He was NOT invited. He was NOT in the outline (before you put him there). And if I wasn’t such a word-count whore he would NOT be staying.

Very, very pissy,
-WL

ps - Somebody posted something about characters being galley slaves a while back: December is coming sweetheart. You best be polishing up your rowing skills.

Leo

OK, OK – I’m sorry! If you want to look like Dave – you can look like Dave. Who am I to argue? (I’m just the Writer Lady, what the hell do I know anyway?)

Just please don’t hit Callista with the shovel again. Please. That was kinda shocking.

Still shaking,
-WL

Callista

You’re right about the facial expression thing. It’s just that I’m a bit pressed for time here. Think of the brow-furrowing as a notation of mine. It’s my way of marking a spot that I’ll be revisiting come edit-time.

Hang with me ‘til then,
-Writer Lady

PS – I’ll take your word for it about Leo.

Dear Writer Lady

OK, does my face do ANYTHING other than ‘furrow its brows’??!!? I know I’m supposed to be confused and befuddled and sorta wandering around in total shock and disbelief in this scene, but c’mon! Use your imagination, woman! There must be some other way my face can show that. Cripes!

Afraid of wrinkles,
Callista

PS – Look closer: Leo does NOT have a unibrow, his little Buddha belly is cute and he actually does look a bit like DM.

Donovan

Quit giving me a bunch of crap about typing “Don” instead of “Donovan”. It’s just too many damn letters. If it really bugs you, I’ll use search and replace as soon as I’m done for the day, I promise.

In the meantime, you can also stop being so uppity. You’re a minor character and you get killed. Like, three chapters from now. Put a sock in it.

Considering killing you sooner,
-WL

Maribel

It’s NOT a mirror?! You said it was a mirror, you lying bitch! What?! It’s a mirrored BOX? ... OK ... Um... ...what’s in it?....

Still confused,
-WL

Leo

Since when do you look like Dave Matthews?!?? Quit it. You don’t. You’re short, you have a potbelly and you practically have a unibrow.

And you’re upstaging everyone else. You can quit that, too.

Not impressed,
-WL

Callista

He hasn’t even dug you up yet. Quit egging him on.

Annoyed,
-WL

All-y'all

I didn't sleep a wink last night. Thanks. This is how it's supposed to work: I turn the computer off, y'all shut up. Is it so difficult?

Revenge is coming,
-Writer Lady

PS - Hangovers for everyone.

PPS - I just tried to "update" my outline with the changes y'all have insisted upon. What was a smooth journey from point A to point B now resembles a goddamn paper doily. I hope you're happy.

PPPS - Maribel, OK, so it's a mirror. The hell does it DO? Still lost, -WL

Hey! Writer Lady! Yeah, you!

Why is it that whenever you don't know what to do with us you type this:

"He sighed and shook his head."

I'm starting to get dizzy and Emrys says he gets carsick easy. Quit it.

Thanks,
Leo & Em.

Emrys

OK, I get it – it’s the dog bit. Duh. My bad.

Oh, and sorry about that fairy thing. I didn’t mean that.

Contritely,
-WL

Al

You’re still here. Why? Are you deaf?

I’ll yell next time,
-WL

Al

Oh, shit.

-WL

Madame

Je ne parle pas anglais.

-Alexandre

The rest o’ yuz

I am looking at my outline. Of the 15 items that comprise chapters 1-4, 3 are checked off.

Three.

(And one is crossed out because it was covered in Leo’s (unexpected) phone call. Thank you, Leo. I think.)

What I’m trying to say here is that we’re getting off track. It’s a bit early for that. It’s making me nervous.

And now I’m stuck because I don’t know what the bloody hell to do with this sniffing thing.

Eek,
-WL

Emrys

Darlin’.

Are you SERIOUS?? What’s up with the ‘sniffing’? It’s making you look like a fairy. You are not a fairy. You’re a vampire. Get with the program.

But while we’re on the subject: Does Maribel REALLY smell like ‘roasted chestnuts and roses’? You’ve GOT to be fucking kidding me.

What the fuck to roasted chestnuts smell like, anyway?

You’re disappointing me,
-WL

Emrys

Baby, quit yer bitchin’ about Maribel, get out of the frikkin’ car and go kill her already.

Yeeesh! It’s like I gatta do all the work around here.

I’m still waiting,
-WL

Emrys

Hi, baby. I hate to complain, I really do, especially seeing as how you’ve been so very good so far and turned out just exactly like you were supposed to – funny, not angsty (that bit about the deer was great – I had no idea you could curse each other).

So it’s just a minor bit of backstory that probably doesn’t even matter - but I gatta ask about the ditch.

Is that really where you found Maribel? Really? In a ditch?

The hell was she doing in a ditch? Seems unlike her…

Just curious,
-WL

Maribel

Honest to god – you CANNOT go have that baby. ANYWHERE.

You DIE at the end. You do NOT escape. How many frikkin’ times to I have to tell you?? GET over it.

Quit fucking with my plot. Bitch.

-WL

Alexandre

Al – can I call you Al? Get lost.

Still pissy because you won’t leave my story (did you hear that? MY story. Get out. And no, goddamnit, I'm not calling you 'the vamp' of anything. Fuck off already.),
-WL

Al’s Harem

Run. I know you can’t run far, but you can hide – you lot know Boston better than the rest of them, even Callista. Emrys and his band of merry un-dead are planning a blood bath and if y’all stick around, you’re gonna get stuck in it. As the bath.

I’m serious, go,
-WL

Maribel

Thanks for hangin’ out, kid. Never mind my last. Carry on.

Cheers,
-WL

Emilio

Leo. Leo, Leo, Leo.

WHAT. Are you doing. In this scene.

You are supposed to be WAITING. In the SHADOWS. Where Maribel can’t SEE you.

You are definitely NOT supposed to be walking up to Maribel like you’re conspiring with her or something. That’s not smart – if Emrys catches you doing this, he’ll cut your head off without thinking twice about it.

It’s just not smart… not… Look, it says right here in your Character Bio (and I quote):

‘Plays it safe.’ ‘Hates getting involved.’

See it’s part of your character arc to start out cautious and gradually become willing to take a few chances. How am I supposed to get you there if you start out playing both ends from the middle?? What the…

Wait a second, wait a second… that… that brings your Mary Sue score down into… lemme see here … non-sue range…

Huh. Huh. Whadyaknow…

OK, then… I’ll just, um, sit down over here and … shut the hell up.

Sorry ‘bout that,
-WL

Maribel

What are you waiting for?? Christmas??

You’ve done your job, you’ve killed Callista, GET GOING. Emrys could, in theory, be back any minute and he will know you are in his territory and he will kill you for it. Move, girl! Move, move, mo……

What do you mean you’re waiting for Leo?!

Leo’s not IN this scene, honey! I mean, he’s IN it, but you don’t actually SEE him. He doesn’t come out until after you leave…

What the… Why is Leo walking up to you?

Hold on. Stay here. I’ll be right back.

Hastily,
-WL

Dear Alexandre

What's with the funky spelling, man? And that cape? Nobody wears capes anymore, not even bad-ass vampires like yourself. Sir. And the harem will have to go. Yes, 'really'. It's just plain stupid.

And pull your fangs back in your mouth. You look like an idiot.

You and Maribel can kiss my ass, both o' ya,
-WL

Dear Maribel

WHAT is your problem??!?? Noboby ever even HEARD of 'The Vamp' before you trotted off to Boston to offer him 'The Talisman'. That's a stupid idea. Quit it.

I know you're only trying to save your own life, but as I've already explained - and apologized for - nothing's going to do that. You die at the end. Get over it.

And if you don't explain what the damn 'Talisman' is, I'm axing that whole bit and you can just get yourself sucked dry in Portsmouth or Montreal like I originally planned.

Oy,
-WL

Dear Maribel

I'm sorry, but you have to die at the end.

It's nothing personal, it's just part of the plan, see? 'Cuz if I don't kill you, then Emilio and Callista can't become full-fledged vampires by drinking your blood. And they're such nice kids. They deserve more than a cold eternity of being un-dead.

And besides, you're a bitch.

(And it's your own damn fault you got pregnant - you shouldn't have been where you were when the moon came out from behind that cloud and you know it). Sorry. That's just the way it is.

Best of luck to you in your next life,
-WL

Dear Callista

You have a fabulous, fabulous name. And that's it.

If you don't get a personality - really soon, 'cuz we're comin' down to the wire here - you're getting axed and Emilio can dig somebody else up out of her grave to pal around with.

I mean it, girlfriend. If you don't help me out with this bio and come up with some decent pet peeves, likes and dislikes, you're done. And fess up with your biggest fear already - the real one ('being vulnerable' ??? what the F--- is that even supposed to mean??!?).

And don't give me that 'I've only been un-dead for a week' crap. I ain't buyin' it.

Gettin' pissy,
-WL